July 22, 2009

a few thoughts on support...

so i was just driving home from an event at my home church and a song came on the radio talking about how you can run to god for everything and with everything. I was thinking about how I just don't seem to believe that, i mean you can't exactly run to someone with your problems if you doubt their existence can you. It was at this point that i began to psychoanalyze myself. (I know, weird...but that is sometimes what i do when driving home by myself...) Anyways, a random thought popped into my mind. Perhaps the reason i don't want to trust the support of something that is invisible is because i can't even trust the visible support systems in my life. For example, my first close friendship ended in her moving away, the next ended up with her choosing drugs over me. After that I tried to rely on the support system of my family through my mom by trying to talk to her about what was going on. Then when she rejected me i sought the help of youth leaders, who didn't want to believe that a junior high student could really be doing drugs. After that came high school and another great friendship which ended in death. After/during that i turned to cutting which seems to be the best support system i have found. It doesn't leave me, it can't do drugs (it is the drug...LOL), it cant die. Later I found a great support system through my friend Laura, but again, she has gone. We haven't even spoken to each other yet and our only communication has been in the form of short posts on each other's facebook walls. Another support seemingly gone. If i told some people about this they would tell me that this is god telling me that i am supposed to lean on him...but i think that is a load of crap...it seems to me that if there is a god, he is just enjoying torturing me. Again, why would i choose to trust the support of something invisible when i have yet to find something visible that will support me...other than my cutting, which, crazy me, i am trying to give up...

Emmy R.

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