lately I have been reminded of my friend who passed away my junior year of high school a lot. I loved her so much! I really don't know why I am posting this here...but I really want to just talk to someone, to have a deep talk with someone...being reminded of her is really screwing with my emotions and I just really want to cry right now...I want to just sit in a corner and bawl. another part of me wants to talk to someone...but who wants to hear some whiny college freshman talk about her friend who passed away almost 2 1/2 years ago? the answer is no one. I don't really know what I should do. I think I maybe want to go talk to the councelors at my school's counceling place on campus but since there is no class next week for spring break I won't be able to talk to them until I get back. *sigh* I really don't know what to do. I guess I am just going to talk about her here since that seems to be my only option at this point (not that I don't love this blog)...here goes my little poem/rant thing...
your memory haunting me
your face flashing in front of my eyes
your voice quoting napoleon dynamite
plays inside my head.
it's been so long
why do I still remember you like this
why do I picture your face
every time someone mentions cancer?
I love you
I loved you
but you were taken from me
by the god I am told loves me
why did he do that?
how loving can he really be?
How could he let someone
as amazing as you die?
how could he love someone
as horrible as me?
someone who cuts her body
to deal with
pain
anger
frustration
grief
how can he love someone
who purposefully desecrates
the sacred temple of her body?
someone who cant even love herself?
there can only be one answer...
he can't...
he can't...
he can't...
I am also feeling very homesick currently...I wish I could be with my family and friends instead of here where i feel so alone...
Oh a happier note spring break is this coming week. I am going to be spending the week at my friend's house...hopefully it will be a nice little distraction from life in general...except for the fact that I have a butload of stuff to get done over the break...oh well...
Emmy R.
March 20, 2009
March 1, 2009
Self Injury Awareness Day
March 1.
Self Injury Awareness Day.
Four simple words.
The first two which have played a huge impact on my life.
The third one also important.
Awareness.
Self Injury Awareness.
I wish I knew a better way to let people know about self injury. Few people know about my own self injury. How can I spread awareness without letting others know about my own struggle. *sigh* I wish I knew.
Emmy R.
Self Injury Awareness Day.
Four simple words.
The first two which have played a huge impact on my life.
The third one also important.
Awareness.
Self Injury Awareness.
I wish I knew a better way to let people know about self injury. Few people know about my own self injury. How can I spread awareness without letting others know about my own struggle. *sigh* I wish I knew.
Emmy R.
February 28, 2009
Pierced Nose
I got my nose pierced today. I have been wanting to since a year or so before I even turned 18 (legal adult age in US). I am away from home in college (as you know if you have read this blog for long) and a friend wanted to get her cartilage pierced so I decided to get my nose done as well. We rode the bus all the way to the tattoo/piercing place and when we got in they asked to see our ID's (my friend forgot to bring hers so we are going back next weekend so she can get her cartilage pierced)
I was uber nervous and I thought that it was going to hurt really bad but the lady who did the piercing was great and it barely hurt at all! I wish I could put the name of the place on here but I can't for my own anonymity. The lady first got out all the equipment and then explained the procedure to me as well before actually doing the piercing. The piercing itself took about 10-15 seconds including putting the jewelry in. I had one tear fall from my eye but that was it. The tear was just from shock. I got it pierced on the right side of my nose. I LOVE how it looks! Also because it barely even hurt I really want to get some other piercings (I don't know what though) but I probably won't anytime soon. I need to see how I react to this one first. I want to make sure my skin (which is sensitive) doesn't reject the piercing and also that I don't get an infection!
All that is left is to call my mom and tell her...we will see how she reacts...I was going to do that tonight but I kept putting it off and now it is too late...I don't know if I should call tomorrow or not because it is sunday and there is church and all and she will be around family...but I do want to tell my friend when I call her tomorrow night...I will let you know what i do...
*****
ok...I called my mom and dad and their reaction was less crazy than I thought it would be...I had assumed that their reaction would be rather like that of the mother in this (click here) Instead they were rather civil. I called my mother first (assuming that she would be with my dad and he would hear at the same time, but she was at my great aunt's and he wasn't there) anyways she didn't believe me at first and then she told everyone in the house...LOL...at the end she sounded a little disappointed though and basically told me I should call my dad. After that I was scared to tell my dad. I called him and made small talk and the I just told him. He didn't believe me at first but then started laughing when I told him that mom said I needed to call him and tell him to make plans for his matching piercing. He laughed and then we just chatted and then at then end of the conversation he said that he was pretty proud of me and that if the only thing he has to worry about me is that I got a piercing then he is pretty happy.
Emmy R.
I was uber nervous and I thought that it was going to hurt really bad but the lady who did the piercing was great and it barely hurt at all! I wish I could put the name of the place on here but I can't for my own anonymity. The lady first got out all the equipment and then explained the procedure to me as well before actually doing the piercing. The piercing itself took about 10-15 seconds including putting the jewelry in. I had one tear fall from my eye but that was it. The tear was just from shock. I got it pierced on the right side of my nose. I LOVE how it looks! Also because it barely even hurt I really want to get some other piercings (I don't know what though) but I probably won't anytime soon. I need to see how I react to this one first. I want to make sure my skin (which is sensitive) doesn't reject the piercing and also that I don't get an infection!
All that is left is to call my mom and tell her...we will see how she reacts...I was going to do that tonight but I kept putting it off and now it is too late...I don't know if I should call tomorrow or not because it is sunday and there is church and all and she will be around family...but I do want to tell my friend when I call her tomorrow night...I will let you know what i do...
*****
ok...I called my mom and dad and their reaction was less crazy than I thought it would be...I had assumed that their reaction would be rather like that of the mother in this (click here) Instead they were rather civil. I called my mother first (assuming that she would be with my dad and he would hear at the same time, but she was at my great aunt's and he wasn't there) anyways she didn't believe me at first and then she told everyone in the house...LOL...at the end she sounded a little disappointed though and basically told me I should call my dad. After that I was scared to tell my dad. I called him and made small talk and the I just told him. He didn't believe me at first but then started laughing when I told him that mom said I needed to call him and tell him to make plans for his matching piercing. He laughed and then we just chatted and then at then end of the conversation he said that he was pretty proud of me and that if the only thing he has to worry about me is that I got a piercing then he is pretty happy.
Emmy R.
February 25, 2009
...
I hate:
That I still feel like cutting is a way out
That I can't cry when I need to
That I have scars covering parts of my body
That I will never be a "normal" college student
That I will always bear the burden of my past
That it seem like no guy will ever be interested in me
That I can't tell the truth even when it is the most important thing
That when my friends say things jokingly about self-harm I don't tell them off and let them know the seriousness of the matter
That I can't even be honest with myself
That even I never know what I am feeling
That I am so behind in my reading for all my classes that it seems like I will never catch up
That my body has scars all over it (how will I ever explain that to my children?)
*sigh* I am in a pretty sad mood right now...just frustrated with life...
I went to a panel discussion held in my dorm basement tonight that was about love and relationships. There were three couples: one married for 11 years, one married for 2 months, and one engaged to be married in july. They all seemed so happy. It raised some feelings for me...
How can a guy ever love someone who hates/hated themselves so much that they drag/ed a razor across their wrist? How can a guy love someone who can't even love themselves?
One of the main things I aspire to do in my life is to get married and raise children. I love kids, they are a passion in my life. Of course according my family and religion it has to be in that order, get married and then have kids...
I want to have at least one child even if I never get married. Weather I use a sperm donation or I adopt that I one of the things I want to do in my life...but I wonder, how can a person who is as screwed up as me ever do a good job raising a child
And again, I wonder, am I unlovable? Why is it that it seems like everyone around me can find someone to be in a relationship with while I just seem to sit around and noone is ever interested in me...
I am really upset right now but I can barely cry...I just thought about something...I am currently on a medication that one of the side effects can be a dry mouth, could that possibly also lead to not being able to produce tears? I hope that that is part of the problem and not just me...
OK I am out...I have WAY too much homework to do to sit on here and blog all night...already it is 12:30am...I am going down to the basement and going to sit in the unfinished part where no one really goes and sit by myself with a blanket and my books and homework...
Emmy R.
That I still feel like cutting is a way out
That I can't cry when I need to
That I have scars covering parts of my body
That I will never be a "normal" college student
That I will always bear the burden of my past
That it seem like no guy will ever be interested in me
That I can't tell the truth even when it is the most important thing
That when my friends say things jokingly about self-harm I don't tell them off and let them know the seriousness of the matter
That I can't even be honest with myself
That even I never know what I am feeling
That I am so behind in my reading for all my classes that it seems like I will never catch up
That my body has scars all over it (how will I ever explain that to my children?)
*sigh* I am in a pretty sad mood right now...just frustrated with life...
I went to a panel discussion held in my dorm basement tonight that was about love and relationships. There were three couples: one married for 11 years, one married for 2 months, and one engaged to be married in july. They all seemed so happy. It raised some feelings for me...
How can a guy ever love someone who hates/hated themselves so much that they drag/ed a razor across their wrist? How can a guy love someone who can't even love themselves?
One of the main things I aspire to do in my life is to get married and raise children. I love kids, they are a passion in my life. Of course according my family and religion it has to be in that order, get married and then have kids...
I want to have at least one child even if I never get married. Weather I use a sperm donation or I adopt that I one of the things I want to do in my life...but I wonder, how can a person who is as screwed up as me ever do a good job raising a child
And again, I wonder, am I unlovable? Why is it that it seems like everyone around me can find someone to be in a relationship with while I just seem to sit around and noone is ever interested in me...
I am really upset right now but I can barely cry...I just thought about something...I am currently on a medication that one of the side effects can be a dry mouth, could that possibly also lead to not being able to produce tears? I hope that that is part of the problem and not just me...
OK I am out...I have WAY too much homework to do to sit on here and blog all night...already it is 12:30am...I am going down to the basement and going to sit in the unfinished part where no one really goes and sit by myself with a blanket and my books and homework...
Emmy R.
February 20, 2009
To tell or not to tell...
yet another post...
I figured I would write on here that I am considering talking to my RA (who knows about my past struggle) about how I messed up. The thing is though, I think she is going to ask me why I did it. and The truth is that I just don't know why I started again. There was really no defining moment, I just did it...perhaps because of a buildup of stress? The only thing about it is that if I tell her then she has to tell our RD (the guy in charge of our dorm who lives in the dorm) and I don't really want him to know about it...
I just don't know what to do...my school has a free counseling center and I suppose i could go talk to them, but I really don't want to tell a complete stranger...much less I don't want any of this to go on my record or anything...also I have never officially had any therapy or anything, I basically stopped before on my own...so should I try to do that again?
I really trust my RA and I think she is an amazing person, but I don't really want to dump on her...but no one else really knows my story...I suppose I could just tell her that I am struggling with it, but she will just want to pray with me...and I honestly can't say if that will help...
OK...well got to go...I have a test to study for...and some sleep to get...
Let me know your thoughts...
Emmy R.
gah...I just don't know what to do...any advice???
I figured I would write on here that I am considering talking to my RA (who knows about my past struggle) about how I messed up. The thing is though, I think she is going to ask me why I did it. and The truth is that I just don't know why I started again. There was really no defining moment, I just did it...perhaps because of a buildup of stress? The only thing about it is that if I tell her then she has to tell our RD (the guy in charge of our dorm who lives in the dorm) and I don't really want him to know about it...
I just don't know what to do...my school has a free counseling center and I suppose i could go talk to them, but I really don't want to tell a complete stranger...much less I don't want any of this to go on my record or anything...also I have never officially had any therapy or anything, I basically stopped before on my own...so should I try to do that again?
I really trust my RA and I think she is an amazing person, but I don't really want to dump on her...but no one else really knows my story...I suppose I could just tell her that I am struggling with it, but she will just want to pray with me...and I honestly can't say if that will help...
OK...well got to go...I have a test to study for...and some sleep to get...
Let me know your thoughts...
Emmy R.
gah...I just don't know what to do...any advice???
Considering...a SI poem...but sort of random...just ranting my current thoughts...
Considering
My coping mechanism of choice
Razor to my skin
It helps me deal with my pain
To bury the hurts in my past
To hide the feelings
That are unacceptable to the world
(Or does it?)
Crippling emotionally
Tears I cannot cry
Emotions left unexpressed
Remembered only through the
Pink scars along my wrist
But the pain comes back
I cannot keep it at bay
Even with this method
That once seemed to work so well
I have come to know
The reality
The calm I felt
Through the razor to my skin
Only lasts for a short while
Soon the feelings creep back
They find their way
And begin to taunt me again
And I cut
Cut them out
Remove them
But somehow
They return
Again
Again
Again
Does it even work?????
My coping mechanism of choice
Razor to my skin
It helps me deal with my pain
To bury the hurts in my past
To hide the feelings
That are unacceptable to the world
(Or does it?)
Crippling emotionally
Tears I cannot cry
Emotions left unexpressed
Remembered only through the
Pink scars along my wrist
But the pain comes back
I cannot keep it at bay
Even with this method
That once seemed to work so well
I have come to know
The reality
The calm I felt
Through the razor to my skin
Only lasts for a short while
Soon the feelings creep back
They find their way
And begin to taunt me again
And I cut
Cut them out
Remove them
But somehow
They return
Again
Again
Again
Does it even work?????
Hold - Superchic[k] and The Climb - Miley Cyrus
I wanted to share two songs I like...here you go...lyrics are below each video...
Superchic[k] - Hold
Tell me that it's gonna be okay
Tell me that You'll help me find my way
Tell me You can see the light of dawn is breaking
Tell me that it's gonna be alright
Tell me that You'll help me fight this fight
Tell me that You won't leave me alone in this
'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me
Tell me I can make it through this day
I don't even have the words to pray
You have been the only One who never left me
Help me find the way through all my fears
Help me see the light through all my tears
Help me see that I am not alone in this
'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me
[instrumental break]
'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me
Ok one more...I don't much like the sound of the song...a little tame for my general tastes...but all the same...I like the lyrics...
The Climb - Miley Cyrus
I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreamin
But there's a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it.
Every step I'm taking.
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction.
My faith is shakin.
But I,I gotta keep tryin.
Gotta keep my head held high.
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
The struggles I'm facing.
The chances I'm taking.
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking.
I may not know it but these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah.
Just gotta keep going.
And I, I gotta be strong.
Just keep pushing on 'cause,
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
But Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
Yeah-yeah
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
Yeah-yeah-yea
Keep on moving,
Keep climbing,
Keep the faith,
Baby.
It’s all about,
It’s all about the climb.
Keep your faith,
Keep your faith.
Whoa, O Whoa.
Superchic[k] - Hold
Tell me that it's gonna be okay
Tell me that You'll help me find my way
Tell me You can see the light of dawn is breaking
Tell me that it's gonna be alright
Tell me that You'll help me fight this fight
Tell me that You won't leave me alone in this
'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me
Tell me I can make it through this day
I don't even have the words to pray
You have been the only One who never left me
Help me find the way through all my fears
Help me see the light through all my tears
Help me see that I am not alone in this
'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me
[instrumental break]
'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me
Ok one more...I don't much like the sound of the song...a little tame for my general tastes...but all the same...I like the lyrics...
The Climb - Miley Cyrus
I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreamin
But there's a voice inside my head saying you'll never reach it.
Every step I'm taking.
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction.
My faith is shakin.
But I,I gotta keep tryin.
Gotta keep my head held high.
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
The struggles I'm facing.
The chances I'm taking.
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking.
I may not know it but these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah.
Just gotta keep going.
And I, I gotta be strong.
Just keep pushing on 'cause,
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
But Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
Yeah-yeah
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
Yeah-yeah-yea
Keep on moving,
Keep climbing,
Keep the faith,
Baby.
It’s all about,
It’s all about the climb.
Keep your faith,
Keep your faith.
Whoa, O Whoa.
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