That I still feel like cutting is a way out
That I can't cry when I need to
That I have scars covering parts of my body
That I will never be a "normal" college student
That I will always bear the burden of my past
That it seem like no guy will ever be interested in me
That I can't tell the truth even when it is the most important thing
That when my friends say things jokingly about self-harm I don't tell them off and let them know the seriousness of the matter
That I can't even be honest with myself
That even I never know what I am feeling
That I am so behind in my reading for all my classes that it seems like I will never catch up
That my body has scars all over it (how will I ever explain that to my children?)
*sigh* I am in a pretty sad mood right now...just frustrated with life...
I went to a panel discussion held in my dorm basement tonight that was about love and relationships. There were three couples: one married for 11 years, one married for 2 months, and one engaged to be married in july. They all seemed so happy. It raised some feelings for me...
How can a guy ever love someone who hates/hated themselves so much that they drag/ed a razor across their wrist? How can a guy love someone who can't even love themselves?
One of the main things I aspire to do in my life is to get married and raise children. I love kids, they are a passion in my life. Of course according my family and religion it has to be in that order, get married and then have kids...
I want to have at least one child even if I never get married. Weather I use a sperm donation or I adopt that I one of the things I want to do in my life...but I wonder, how can a person who is as screwed up as me ever do a good job raising a child
And again, I wonder, am I unlovable? Why is it that it seems like everyone around me can find someone to be in a relationship with while I just seem to sit around and noone is ever interested in me...
I am really upset right now but I can barely cry...I just thought about something...I am currently on a medication that one of the side effects can be a dry mouth, could that possibly also lead to not being able to produce tears? I hope that that is part of the problem and not just me...
OK I am out...I have WAY too much homework to do to sit on here and blog all night...already it is 12:30am...I am going down to the basement and going to sit in the unfinished part where no one really goes and sit by myself with a blanket and my books and homework...