October 18, 2008

some poetry from today

*note to readers* so I am feeling a little stressed out today, I have a paper due wednesday and a test on monday, and I am also stressing about other things. Let me give you a little background to these poems, not this past week but the week before I made an appointment at the counseling center at my college because I want to learn how to talk about my history of SI with other people. I just want to learn to tell my story. My RA has been to some counseling sessions at this place as well and she is kind of the one who encouraged me to go (she mentioned one day that she was going there and i asked her about it so that is why she knows that I am going) anyways, I am not sure if i want to go back, though she is encouraging me to go, but it is really a very scary concept. I am off to dinner now, later! *end note to readers*

About what I have done
And what others would think about it
If they knew
I went to a counseling appointment
Because I want to learn how to tell my story
I want to be able to help others
Through their own suffering
By telling them about mine
My parents would freak
I am sure about that
What would everyone else think?
Would they agree?
Would they call me a psycho?
Maybe I am a psycho,
But I’m not,
I have stopped
But was I?
Was I a psycho?
Was I a psycho for doing
What I did?
Or did I only do it out of necessity?
I have no idea…
I have no idea…
I have no idea…

*name of my RA, removed for privacy*,
I want to tell you why
Why I really haven’t made the appointment
To go back to *name of the counseling center at my College*
I am scared
Scared so much!
This guy, a stranger
I told him so much about myself
If I make another appointment
When I arrive I am scared they
Will call a cab
To take me to the loony bin
Because who does what I did?
Cuts themselves to rid themselves of pain
I must be psycho
I know I must be right

He didn’t treat me like a psycho
He treated me with a ton of respect
He acted like he understood
He never called me crazy
So why should I be scared
That it would change if I go again?
I am scared because…
What if it does change
What if he had a change of heart
And decided that I am a crazy person

I make myself crazy by worrying about this
It felt so good to release
To tell someone the things
Which I have held buried inside me
The fact that I used to harm myself
To deal with the things going on in my life
I wanted, needed, a physical pain to help me cope
With the emotional pain
Which I didn’t know how to express

I just get so nervous,
He is a stranger
I have no clue who he is
And all he knows about me is what I tell him
He doesn’t know anything else
And to tell him would take forever

But if I were to tell you, *name of my RA, removed for privacy*
I don’t know how you’d react
You have told me
That you are here to listen
And that you won’t judge
But what I have done is something
That so many people already have their judgments about
What if you already have judgments that you have made
About cutters
And then I tell you,
And your judgments surface
And you just don't understand
You don't care to
Because of your preconceived notions
I love you already; you are such an amazing person
I don’t know if I could deal with that

I just don’t know.
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know

No comments: