December 8, 2008

just a blog...and a random one at that...

All I have done all day today is go to church this morning and then do some laundry and watch Harry Potter all afternoon (the movies were on abc family today) and then I just talked to my mom. Oh and I also just had a lovely conversation with my RA. I love her more and more each day!




I am thinking about telling my RA about my faith struggle. I would really like to tell someone, actually tell someone not just type it out, about my faith struggle. I want someone to tell me that they know how it is to be angry at God. How you hate Him so much yet you somehow believe that He could be a great God, but that you are just such a horrible person that He would never want you back. As I type out that last sentence I am crying, I didn't realize that is how I feel until now. I guess this typing out of my feelings is doing me some good. I don't know how the God I have been raised to see is so loving could ever love someone like me. Someone so stupid that they find comfort in a razorblade slicing open their skin. And something inside of me is telling me that there is no point in fighting the urges anymore. I hate myself for thinking that, and for almost believing it. I also consider how my RA will react to my telling her this, if I ever do decide to do so. Will she hug me and tell me that she has felt the same way? Will she reject me and tell me that I should never feel that way? Will she encourage me or knock me down?

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OK I have calmed myself down a little now and I might be able to actually finish this blog...

I just don't know where on earth my life will be taking me from here. Sometimes I really truly believe that there is a God who cares but other times I just don't. And if there is a God, how much of what I have been taught to believe is actually true?

Oh dear...

Well I am off to read Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis. I have to read it for my philosophy class. I am not quite sure why...
Perhaps I will write about what I think about it later...I have heard that it is an amazing book!

More to come later...sorry that this post is so random...starts out happy and then goes sad and then ends pretty fast...whatever...

I wrote a poem the other day...but I am not going to post it as of now...this one was just another poem about how much I wanted to self-harm the other day...I don't think I should relive those feelings right now...

Emmy R.

3 comments:

Not the usual said...

If it isn't revealing anything about you or the university you attend, do you mind if I ask what RA stands for?

Emmy R. said...

RA=Resident's Assistant
There is one RA per floor and they basically get free room and board and they live on each floor but they have to be there to listen to people on the floor if they need to talk, and also they are there to enforce the rules (Things like no alcohol in the rooms, and none at all if you are under 21 and also the rules about having the opposite sex in your room.) They are assistants to the RD (Resident Director) who lives in an apartment in the front lobby. The RD basically directs the whole dorm...and deals with violations of the rules...

I don't know if this has cleared anything up for you...

Not the usual said...

Yah, thanks, I guessed at what the role of an RA involved, but just couldn't guess what the letters stood for.