I didn't have internet access when I typed this out. So I am posting it now!
So I finally arrived home yesterday. I had to deal with a flight cancellation because of the weather which left me stuck at school for a day and a half. Then my flight was delayed two hours which caused me to miss my connecting flight. Missing my connecting flight caused me to have to wait till the next morning to get another flight to go home. The hotel was great and gave me eighteen dollars in food vouchers and they also gave me a hotel voucher which let me say at a hotel near the airport for free since I was stuck there overnight. I got to the hotel and it turns out that I was put up in a suite! Amazing!!! There was a living area, a kitchenette, a queen sized bed, and a bathroom area. It was pretty cool! I was upset to be stuck and miss another day of my vacation, or rather spend another day traveling. I was supposed to come home on Friday afternoon but instead I didn’t get in till Sunday afternoon. In all I missed about two days. But alas, I am finally home!
It has been nice being home! I am really enjoying spending time with family and friends! I am going to go to the mall with my sisters and a friend tomorrow morning and then going for coffee with some other friends tomorrow afternoon. That will be a lot of fun I think! I haven’t seen my friends who I am going to coffee with for about four months.
I had a really weird dream last night. In my dream I was being blamed for throwing flowers in front of my church and stomping on them and saying some rude things about the church (I don’t know what they were). I knew distinctly that I had not actually done it. A news van was following me around (from ABC family, except that I don’t know if they even really do news). They were asking me all of these questions about why on earth I was saying these things about my church. I was also being blamed for doing the same thing to another church as well. I was so confused and upset because I knew that I hadn’t done these things and I didn’t understand why people didn’t believe me. One of the people who were speaking out against me was my principal from my high school (a really weird and possibly irrelevant fact). I ran into the building that I was closest to and tried to escape the news people. I was really upset and confused and was crying. I ran into a room, which was the guidance counselor’s office at my elementary/middle school, and tried to talk to the person who was sitting in the chair behind the desk. This person was my RA. I started pouring my heart out to her and asking her over and over again to believe me because I needed someone on my side. She kept on telling me that I must have done something wrong for all of these people to be so angry and upset with me. I got this feeling that she was staffed by my principal and that was why she didn’t believe me. I continued to beg her to believe me.
At this point the dream ends. My mom knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her and my siblings and some other family members. I awoke very frustrated and annoyed.
I wish I knew how to psychoanalyze dreams. Normally my dreams, when I actually dream (which is rare), don’t really bother me. This one, though, has got me feeling really weird. I kind of feel like this is telling me that I can’t trust someone. But who can’t I trust? There are so many dynamics within the dream! There is my home church for instance, my high school principal/my high school, my RA/dorm staff/college/the people I trust in my life, counselors/therapists, I have no clue. Can anyone help me with this?
Change of subject. I am both excited and worried about some things that are going to be happening during my vacation. One thing in particular that I am worried about is that I really want to tell a friend of mine/youth group leader about my history of SI. I believe that I have mentioned before in this blog about how much she has helped me through my SI without even really knowing about it. I love her so much that I think it is going to be a hard thing to talk about. I trust her with all my heart and I really hope that this conversation with her will not be too hard. I also am debating about when I should tell her. I will only be able to see her for two days out of my vacation. The last two days of my break. I don’t know if I want to tell her on the first day we get to see each other, which is a Sunday, or on the next day. Sunday might be hard because it might be weird trying to find time to talk just us two. Then there is Monday, I don’t know if Monday will be right either because I don’t want to tell her and then leave it hanging there. I want to be able to discus it if need be. I also don’t really know how to even begin talking about this with her. I don’t know if I should begin by talking about when I first asked her to hold me accountable for ‘it’ or if I should just tell her and get it out there. I am just pretty confused about the whole thing and am not quite sure what to do. Anyone have any suggestions?
I am really looking for people’s input in this particular post. I don’t know if anyone even reads this besides my one follower but if you do please, please, please post a comment and let me know your thoughts!