ranting and "The Shack"

ugg...I hate when I am frustrated and want to cut for stupid reasons!!!

I just got in a fight with my brother and I really want to cry. Why does something so stupid make me so frustrated and upset???

I almost want to just give in because I almost don't even care anymore. but there is still some lingering part of me that wants to give in and cut myself or do something. I am currently on my laptop and the fan thing is blowing out really hot air. I want to just leave my arm there and burn it (as I have done before on my leg on accident).


ugg...i hate that I even consider that as an option...I have been SI free for over a year now! How can i even consider giving in??? I feel so stupid!!! Why do i even struggle anymore???

If I were to go with what the "Bible tells me" then this is just satan poking at me and trying to get me to give in. but i don't know what I believe.

I am feeling a little better now that I have written this out, but I am not feeling completely better....*sigh*








Currently I am reading this book called "The Shack" by William P. Young it is pretty good and I can extremely relate to certain parts of it. The book (so far, I have just barely started reading it) is about a guy, Mack, who receives a letter from "Papa", his wife's name for God, asking him to meet him in the shack, the same shack his young daughter's bloody dress was found it after she had been kidnapped. He goes there and at first just encounters the shack. He starts to leave and it trudging back to his vehicle through the snow when all of a sudden the area around him starts to thaw and it is as if spring is happening in a matter of minutes. Anyways he heads back to the shack, which has now been transformed into a nice house, and is greeted by a large black woman (signifying God, also called Papa), a middle eastern, Arab-looking man (signifying Jesus), and a small Asian woman who seems to be fading in and out of sight (signifying the Holy Spirit).

I am now just beginning on a conversation between God/Papa/the large black woman and Mack. Mack has become unsure of if God can protect him, or anyone, since his daughter's kidnapping and murder. He doesn't understand how God could really care about anyone or protect anyone when he couldn't even protect his little daughter.

Well there is more to the story...details I have missed...some which are important and others which are not. Anyways, so far it has been a good read. Supposedly it is based off a true story but I am not sure about that, we'll see i guess.

Emmy R.