Here comes the first...
Thoughts,
Questions
Without answers
Bombarding my mind.
Considering
The school year to come.
What will I plan?
Classes already chosen.
But extracurricular?
Will I return to
Counseling?
Or will I skip it
I feel as though I should return
But the person in my head
Tells me that
My problems
Are small
Insignificant
That I shouldn’t waste
Someone’s time with my
“Issues”
Another idea
Which I though of last year
Starting a support group
For people like me
People who:
Bleed to feel,
Bleed to numb,
Bleed to express,
Bleed to bleed…
Or should it be
An awareness group?
Telling people the truth
About the affliction
Of cutting
The truth about the issue
Making them aware
But in either situation
Would I have to
Bare my soul to a group of people?
Next year
More students will be attending
The college I attend
Five from the class below me
At my high school
What if they attend
My family still does not know
About my defective qualities
What if they told their parents
And it got back to mine…
Decisions to make…
Freaking me out…
Making me want to cut…
Summer vacation
No long sleeves
Meaning if I do
I must be more careful
The words I just typed
Scaring me
I don’t want to go back
To that hell
(Or do I?)
Word vomit
Is what some call this
Typing randomly
As the thoughts pour from my mind…
Calming me down
Making things
Easier to understand
Written out on paper
Also better than
Being written on my skin…
I wrote the following series of poems (or word vomit) somewhere around the 19th of this month...i don't know when exactly...
Nightmare:
I lay down on my bed
At night
Close my eyes
Drift off to sleep
But what meets me there
Behind my eyelids
In the dark recesses
Of my mind
Is not the sleep
I longed for
Or pictured as
I lay down
The sleep I get
Is riddled with
Horrifying
Pictures
Scenes
Stories
Scaring me
Eventually I wake
Beads of sweat cover my body
The pictures staying in my mind
I try to close my eyes again
To drift back off into the
Loving arms
Of sleep
To rest myself
With a dreamless slumber
Where I never see a thing
But what I want
I do not get
And the terrors
Reappear…
My nightmare:
I hope that
No one ever finds out
Unless I tell them first
I hope that no one sees
The truth behind my eyes
Until I choose
To let them know
Who I really am
It’s hard to tell them
Because I don’t want them
To judge
To look at me
And call me a freak
Because, to tell the truth,
No one but a freak
Would do what I do
So that is what I am
But part of me does not believe
That it is what I am
Part of me
Tells myself
That I am only trying to deal
That perhaps I am
Not a freak at all
Only a person trying
Her best
To survive in this world
But still I fear
Their judgments
I fear them
So much
That I don’t even face
The truth
In myself……………………………
and now for the last one...i have to type this one out because I wrote it on paper...
woops just realized that I have already posted that one...(: it's pretty good though...so here is a link...(http://poetrybyemmyr.blogspot.com/2009/05/poemwarning-could-be-triggering.html) but WARNING: it could be triggering...
ok...while looking to type that last one up i found another...
Addicted
(I know I am)
(But I want to believe I'm not)
My neck slightly twitches
My body begins to shake
Informing me of my need
I don't want to do it
My muscles tense
I believe
Truly believe, that i need it
I could stop if i wanted to
It's not a need
It's a want
I lie to myself
The relief it brings
Tells me it will be OK
The sharp pain
Tells me i can feel
The blood
Tells me I'm alive
Then the relief fades away
and i am left alone
with the pain and the blood
and something else
guilt
i shouldn't have done it
how could i give in?
I am weak
weak
weak
weak
and something else too...
Addicted
(I know I am)
(But I want to believe I'm not)
that's it for the poems for now...i want to write a post and I had a plan but i seem to have forgotten it now...also i need to get some sleep...so perhaps tomorrow...
Emmy R.
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