Did she already know?

I have some things I would really like to talk to my RA about. I know I have told her about the self-harm, but for some reason I have this feeling that she already knew before I told her about it.

I have a theory as to why she would know, but to make that theory make sense I need to tell a story. A couple of weeks ago one of my friends and floormates' grandma died. When I found out about it I told my RA (not like i ran off and left my friend crying, but I happened to run into my RA later on that evening) my RA mentioned that it was good that she knew and that it is important for her to know these things so that she can help the people on the floor to the best of her abilities. She also mentioned that she had to tell our RD because it was also important for him to know that sort of thing so that he can know how best to serve our dorm.

Anyways I am now wondering what all that applies to. My RD was also the teacher of my Prelude class and for that class we had to write an autobiography, and in that autobiography I discussed my self-harm and it's impact on my life.

Also when I told my RA she asked me if my RD already knew about it and I told her that he did, in fact, already know about it. This also makes me think that she has to tell him that sort of stuff, and I wonder if the relationship works both ways, because if it does that means that she already knew about my self-harm before I told her.

I am not sure how I feel about this whole thing. I don't really like the fact that my story might have been told without my permission. I feel that this is almost an invasion of privacy, my story should be mine to tell or to not tell.

Well that is all for tonight. I am going to study for a Biology test tomorrow!

Emmy R.

Pictures!

So I just am in a picture mood today…and I wanted to show you some of my favorite pictures that I have saved up. Just a warning to some, though I am going to try my best to weed out the pictures that could be potentially triggering. I would never plan to put something up on my blog that might make someone want to harm themselves in any way (cutting, burning, eating disorders, etc.). If something I have posted (in this post or in any others) please let me know and I will take it down or put a warning on it or something!

Thanks,
Emmy R.

I just like these ones…








For the following two pictures I found the image and added the words…Just so everyone knows, these words just came into my head when I saw this picture and they really have nothing to do with how I am currently doing!







These next four are from one of my favorite movies: Girl, Interrupted









These next five are from an organization that I really support! It is called To Write Love on Her Arms; you can go to their website (www.twloha.com) and see the story behind the organization! Not all of the pictures are actually put out by the organization but some were made by fans of the organization.

Frusturated

So yesterday I found out that a friend of mine's mom had passed away that morning. I really don't know what to think about this. I love my friend's mom a TON! She was an amazing person! I don't think it has quite hit me yet though, I mean I cried when my mom called and told me, but i don't think it will truly hit me until I go back home. And it really sucks because I don't think I will get any closure because I am too far away to go home for the funeral.

In other news...

one of my friends is pissed off at me...for a reason that I feel is immature. I am really trying to not let it bug me but it is hard because I don't have that many friends here at college. I hate having friends who are always pessimistic and this friend is usually that way, sometimes it is understandable, but other times it just downright bugs me. Tonight she was having a really pessimistic attitude about a virus that is supposedly going around campus (there are no confirmed cases as of yet). She was like 'we are all going to die!' and I told her that we weren't...that it wasn't even confirmed and she went all apeshit and posted her facebook status as "HER NAME is annoyed with people who always tell her she's wrong... *cough* MY NAME *cough*... >:(" I mean is that really necessary? The only other time I have contradicted her (and I don't really know if it was even a contradiction) was when she was ranting on and on after the election about how our country was going to be screwed over by Obama. Now I didn't vote for Obama, but I still don't think that he is going to screw our country over. I find that in life when you have a pessimistic attitude about things those things tend to happen to you. For example if you are only expecting bad things from a future president you are going to watch him and every little mess up you are going to be like "See? What did I tell you?" Or another example, if you are freaking out about getting sick then you are probably going to look for even the slightest sniffle and be like “see I knew I would get sick”
So because of those things I try to have a positive attitude about everything (Though I do have my off moments like anyone else). I hate to have people mad at me but I am not going to apologize for this one though, I don’t feel that it is my fault. If anyone reads this, though I don’t think I have any readers, would you let me know what you think? Is this my fault? Or is she just being stupid about all of this?

Oh and a quick update…she is IMing me on facebook now…I am going to post our conversation word for word…

*begin IM*
Her: i'm sorry, but you keep telling me that i have no idea what i'm talking about.. we have the same thing that Hope does, no matter what the name of the virus is.. just don't come into my town and tell me that you know all about this school and the health department... i wouldn't do that if i went to cali...i've lived here for 19 years.. i think i know what i'm talking about.. and just b/c the health dept. hasn't confirmed it doesn't mean it's not here
Me: look i am over this and i don't want to discuss this...if you want to be pessimistic about everything in this world...I choose to have a more positive outlook on life...you choose whatever you want to...
Her: don't be pissed at me... this outburst from me has been coming for a long time.. you people come into MY backyard and tell me that I'm doing everythign wrong.. i don't say "soda", or i say "pop" wrong, or i do everything else differently.. well guess what? you came here... not my problem that we're different than it was where you came from... i'm getting really sick of being ragged on b/c i say things differently.. you came to Michigan; i didn't go to California, so deal with it
Me: ok fine...you know what? if you want us to stop then please ask us to...it is an important thing...you guys bug me about things that i say as well...just because I come from california doesn't make it all of a sudden ok...but you know what...I don't mind...if i did then I would let you know...I would tell you to your face...
Her: all i ask is that when you're on MY turf, don't make fun of me. you chose to come here, and you knew that cultural differences were something you were gonna have to deal with. and the only reason i'm not telling you to your face is because i don't want to get sick and yelling at you isn't worth it. and yes, if i want to be pessimistic, i'm damn well gonna be pessimistic..
Me: ok fine...I am done with this conversation...you go be pessimistic by yourself...I don't need that in my life right now...i had enough "friends" in my life before that screwed me over and if you don't want to be a good friend to me then I am not even going to mess with it...I am done...I am not going to back down an be weak like I have always done in the past...good night...and good bye...if you still want to be friends then let me know but it doesn't sound like you even like me very much...if that is the case...I am done...
Her: sounds good
*end IM*

well there you have it folks…we’re no longer friends…oh well…

I just don’t care anymore…


-Emmy R.

I told her...

So last night my RA came in my dorm room to have a discussion with my roommate and I about the guidelines we set up at the beginning of the year. We had to discus weather the guidelines were still what we wanted to be going by or if we needed to change any of our "rules" because of issues we have had so far. Anyways while we were talking my RA brought up the fact that my roommate is gone most weekends, she mentioned how that could possibly make me lonely. I believe that she was possibly referring to when I came in her room the other day on the weekend and I wanted to just be with someone (more on that later) so I asked her as she was leaving if I could stop by later to talk, and she said "Of course!" I also asked her what time Give me a Break (our study break in her room where we watch an episode of friends) was.

Later I went to her room for Give me a Break along with a few other girls from our floor. We watched friends and after she asked me to stay so we could discuss our biology assignment. After we had talked about biology she asked me if I wanted to talk then, I told her no but that I would come by later to talk.

Later I went to her room to see if she was there and could chat for a while. I told her that I wanted to talk about what she had mentioned earlier, about how I could be getting lonely over the weekends. I told her that I wasn't lonely when I came in the other night, but that I just needed to be around someone. I told her that I was really stressed out and that stress is sort of a trigger for me because I used to self-harm.

She looked at me and told me that she was really proud of me for coming to be with her and not just sitting by myself and trying to keep from cutting myself by myself. She told me over and over how proud she was and how happy she was that I had come to her instead of just going through it on my own.

Then she started asking me questions about why I had started self-harming. I told her about my friend in junior high who was having sex and doing drugs and about my friend who was diagnosed with cancer during my freshman year. I told her how hard those things were and how I felt out of control and the self injury became something I could "control" and it helped me to deal with the things going on in my life. She then asked me what had triggered it specifically that night. I told her that I honestly don't know what triggered it that night, and that I was mainly just feeling stressed out.

She continued to ask me questions about my self-harm and she told me about a friend of hers who self-harms and who cannot stop. She asked me about some of the things I had mentioned to her earlier during the semester. Like for example she asked about why I had said before that it was hard to tell people because I was afraid that they would judge me because there are so many misconceptions about self-harm and we also talked about a few other things.

She told me that she is not going to judge me for what I have done. I guess it kind of helps that she has taken a few classes in Psychology and that is currently her major as well. She started to tell me some stuff that made me smile, a whole list of other ways she will "judge" me, like how I am from a very cool place and a culture that she really wants to visit and how I have never experienced a real winter and I am going to freeze my butt off this winter. She made me really happy and made me think that I can tell people about this. She gave me hope in humanity. Hope that people won't automatically judge me, and hope that there are people worth trusting with your secrets.

Hope. What a simple four letter word. But it really isn't so simple. I have spent too much time not knowing what I can and can't hope in. I still don't understand hope, but I am learning more and more each day. The childish hope I used to have was torn from under my feet time and time again. Just as I would start to hope again there it went. Gone. Another simple four letter word. But this one is really simple. Hope. Is. Gone. That is what I felt for so long. I am starting to see a glimmer in the future. I am starting to hope again.






My next goal: God. I don't think he has been mentioned in anything that I have written thus far. There is a reason for that, you see, I don't know what I believe about Him anymore. As a child I had such a child-like faith. I was never really even given any other options besides to believe. When I went through the thing with my friend in junior high I tried to grasp tightly to God, at the time I believed that if God could get me through that he could get me through anything. I made profession of faith during eighth grade because I was basically on what I would consider a "faith high". When my friend was diagnosed with cancer at the end of my freshman year, and the things that had happened leading up to her diagnosis, I sort of lost control and I didn't understand what was going on, that is when my self harm started. I hated God at that point and blamed him for my friend's illness, and I guess in a sense that I still do. It is something that I have been trying to break through for a while now. I just don't know how to believe anymore since I have been angry at Him for so long now, I don't even know if I believe that he exists anymore.

Anyways...enough of my ranting for tonight...I am going to take a short nap and then go get Breakfast Replacement and then do my homework.

Later,
Emmy R.

Tell you

*note to reader* The words within the brackets like these [ ] are saying the same thing as the line above it. I am using a style of poetry that I learned in high school that I really enjoy writing from time to time. I don’t know if I like these extra lines included or if I might just take them out. *end note to reader*

Tell you
About
Things (objects? No)
Stories, truths, events
My (contained) life
[Contained within my life]
Happening or happened
Tearing . . me . . a . p . a . r . t
Or
Puttingmetogether
BUB (me) BLES
[Bubbles surrounding me]
Keeping evil influences out
\\|//
-POP- as I arrive
//|\\
Not understanding what I believe
(Or why)
Anymore
Previously Protected
Hidden from true choices
Currently Curious
About my new found freedom
Questioning Qualities
Which I once held true
Purposeful Pain
Searching throughout my life
Hunting for Healing
Learning how to grow
Breathe in...
Breathe out...
Calm
Stories Spill
From
Loosening Lips
Trying To Tell
My stories

Won't you listen?

You talk and you talk
And you say you’re there to listen
But are you?
I can barely get a word in
Edgewise
I try to fit between your words
But I can hardly find room
You talk and you talk
And say you’re there to listen
But are you?
There are things I would like
To tell you
Questions I would like
To ask you
You talk and you talk
And say you’re there to listen
But are you?
I love to listen
To hear what you have to say
And to spend time with you
But sometimes I need to be heard too
You talk and you talk
And say you’re there to listen
But are you?
Is it maybe
My fault
Because I don’t voice
That I want to be heard?
You talk and you talk
(I don’t and I don’t)
And say you’re there to listen
(I don’t tell you I need you to)
But are you?
(Or am I just not talking?)

The Past While

So I have been meaning to update this thing...

Things have been going pretty good this past little while. I was though really struggling last weekend, I was stressing myself by over thinking and I came so close to messing up. I am lucky, though, that I have such an amazing RA. She let me hang out in her room and just sit there while she did her homework and I just watched Sleepless in Seattle. I really needed to be around someone or I don't know if I would have made it without harming myself. While I was in there I was just sitting on her couch and hugging a pillow to my chest. She asked me why I was so quiet, and I didn't really tell her much. I think that I can trust her though, I think I will tell her sometime soon, but I am not completely sure.

Anyways, I might update more later...or if anything eventful happens this weekend...but I don't know...for now, though, I need to sleep. It is 4 am...I watched 3 movies tonight...the grudge, the birds, and school of rock...but goodnight...

Emmy R.