April 30, 2009
was it a dream?
i woke up this morning and I freaked out. I had dreamed (or nightmared? is that even a word?) that I cut myself. it was very deep cuts in my stomach. i had cut the words "fuck up". augh! the cuts were deeper that i have ever cut in real life. the weird thing is that even though the cuts were so deep there was VERY little blood...
i was literally freaking out when i woke up. i had to look at my stomach to make sure it wasn't true. the dream/nightmare was SO realistic!
ok that is all i have to say for now...
Emmy R.
i was literally freaking out when i woke up. i had to look at my stomach to make sure it wasn't true. the dream/nightmare was SO realistic!
ok that is all i have to say for now...
Emmy R.
April 28, 2009
counseling, advising, and current state of mind...
another appointment
we talked about the way
the time since
the last appointment
was different than the week before
was it better?
how?
it was better because
i found myself being
able to
allow my feelings
and instead of feeling sad
i was able to allow myself
to be ok with the memories
to understand that
what i was feeling
was normal
i was validated this past week
and that is what i told her
we discussed some more about
the current friendships i have
and how they are affected by the
past
we talked about that
she asked me if i was ok
with the way the friendships are going
i told her i sort of am
but mostly i am not
i want to get closer
to the girls i have become friends with
but the thought of getting closer
scares the heck out of me
what if they leave me
what if they die
what if they just don't care
i fear both
loss
and
rejection
she told me
that my feelings are ok
again she made me know
that how i am feeling is
legitimate
it was important
i never opened myself up to anyone
about this particular matter
in that particular kind of way
she told me she pulled my file
and read what i had to say
from when i came to talk before
and i talked to another person
(i didn't know that was allowed)
and she said that she sees
me wanting to talk
and express myself
about both that previous issue
as well as the current one
previously i came to talk
about my struggle with self-harm
i wanted to tell someone
i wanted to be able to tell people
and that is where she saw the connection
i said previously
that i wanted to tell her about the self-harm
i sort of feel violated
she found out this about me
before i was able to tell her
i wanted to tell her
but why would i tell her something she already knows
*sigh*
and that is all for now...
later i went to an advising appointment (to have someone talk with me about what classes i will take next semester) and currently, if i get into the classes i want to take next semester and the following semester, i am set on a path to graduate in 3.5 years or even in only 3 years. currently as a college freshman i have sophomore status (as of this semester) because i took college classes while i was still in high school. being on the fast track and graduating early means that i have to apply for the program i plan on taking. i am a social work major. but besides applying for the major i also need to apply for the practicum/internship (which most people take during their senior year and apply for during their junior year) at the beginning of my sophomore year...
...it is a lot to think about...
lastly, right now i feel like i have a thousand different emotions running through my body. i REALLY want to cut. but i will not. i will not. but i really really want to cut...but i also don't want to explain to the counselor about the cutting if i am currently doing it. my mind is running in circles around itself, and i can't put a name to the emotions swirling inside me. i am going to go to my room and curl up in a ball.
i will not cut.
i will not.
Emmy R.
we talked about the way
the time since
the last appointment
was different than the week before
was it better?
how?
it was better because
i found myself being
able to
allow my feelings
and instead of feeling sad
i was able to allow myself
to be ok with the memories
to understand that
what i was feeling
was normal
i was validated this past week
and that is what i told her
we discussed some more about
the current friendships i have
and how they are affected by the
past
we talked about that
she asked me if i was ok
with the way the friendships are going
i told her i sort of am
but mostly i am not
i want to get closer
to the girls i have become friends with
but the thought of getting closer
scares the heck out of me
what if they leave me
what if they die
what if they just don't care
i fear both
loss
and
rejection
she told me
that my feelings are ok
again she made me know
that how i am feeling is
legitimate
it was important
i never opened myself up to anyone
about this particular matter
in that particular kind of way
she told me she pulled my file
and read what i had to say
from when i came to talk before
and i talked to another person
(i didn't know that was allowed)
and she said that she sees
me wanting to talk
and express myself
about both that previous issue
as well as the current one
previously i came to talk
about my struggle with self-harm
i wanted to tell someone
i wanted to be able to tell people
and that is where she saw the connection
i said previously
that i wanted to tell her about the self-harm
i sort of feel violated
she found out this about me
before i was able to tell her
i wanted to tell her
but why would i tell her something she already knows
*sigh*
and that is all for now...
later i went to an advising appointment (to have someone talk with me about what classes i will take next semester) and currently, if i get into the classes i want to take next semester and the following semester, i am set on a path to graduate in 3.5 years or even in only 3 years. currently as a college freshman i have sophomore status (as of this semester) because i took college classes while i was still in high school. being on the fast track and graduating early means that i have to apply for the program i plan on taking. i am a social work major. but besides applying for the major i also need to apply for the practicum/internship (which most people take during their senior year and apply for during their junior year) at the beginning of my sophomore year...
...it is a lot to think about...
lastly, right now i feel like i have a thousand different emotions running through my body. i REALLY want to cut. but i will not. i will not. but i really really want to cut...but i also don't want to explain to the counselor about the cutting if i am currently doing it. my mind is running in circles around itself, and i can't put a name to the emotions swirling inside me. i am going to go to my room and curl up in a ball.
i will not cut.
i will not.
Emmy R.
haven't really given much of an update since last week...so here goes...
This past week I have been pretty much just chilling and procrastinating on homework WAY too much. I am super excited to go home soon! classes are over in like 23 days! I have SO much to do before then...
I have been spending some time reflecting on stuff going on in my life. since the counseling appointment I have felt like a burden has been lifted from me and I just feel SO much better knowing that someone else knows about my friend. The lady I talked with told me that perhaps I should tell some of my friends about her, because I guess talking about it is a part of the grieving process. I don't know if I am close enough to anyone to just tell them yet. I do have a picture of her displayed in my room so if anyone ever asks me I would gladly tell them about her, but how on earth do you bring something up like that?
we have the next two days off from classes because we have academic advising. I have another counseling appointment tomorrow at 12:30pm and then academic advising at 1:30pm...hopefully I don't cry too much at counseling tomorrow so I don't have to go to advising with my eyes all red and puffy.
Last week at counseling I mainly talked about Paige, and she asked questions and I answered them about Paige. It was simple really, but it was hard to talk about her. I was bawling. I talked about how I was being bombarded with things that were reminding me of her and stuff as well. What I didn't mention was the cutting. I think I want to talk about the cutting, since that really was one of the things that kept me from grieving, I buried my feelings in the cuts and I just never really came to terms with her death or grieved for her until now. I cried because I missed her, not really because I was grieving, if that makes any sense. Even though I had stopped cutting for about year before the feelings came back the cutting was almost an automatic response to the memories and grief coming back up. The only thing I worry about is the fact in the confidentiality contract thing I had to sign it talked about how they have permission to tell people if they think I am a "significant risk to myself or others" I don't know what exactly that means. I am not currently cutting, so does that mean that they don't have to tell anyone? Or because I have cut within the last month does that mean they will have to tell someone? I don't know!
OK that is all for now...I am going to go see if my friends are still awake and see if they want to go to breakfast tomorrow with me.
Toodles...
Emmy R.
This past week I have been pretty much just chilling and procrastinating on homework WAY too much. I am super excited to go home soon! classes are over in like 23 days! I have SO much to do before then...
I have been spending some time reflecting on stuff going on in my life. since the counseling appointment I have felt like a burden has been lifted from me and I just feel SO much better knowing that someone else knows about my friend. The lady I talked with told me that perhaps I should tell some of my friends about her, because I guess talking about it is a part of the grieving process. I don't know if I am close enough to anyone to just tell them yet. I do have a picture of her displayed in my room so if anyone ever asks me I would gladly tell them about her, but how on earth do you bring something up like that?
we have the next two days off from classes because we have academic advising. I have another counseling appointment tomorrow at 12:30pm and then academic advising at 1:30pm...hopefully I don't cry too much at counseling tomorrow so I don't have to go to advising with my eyes all red and puffy.
Last week at counseling I mainly talked about Paige, and she asked questions and I answered them about Paige. It was simple really, but it was hard to talk about her. I was bawling. I talked about how I was being bombarded with things that were reminding me of her and stuff as well. What I didn't mention was the cutting. I think I want to talk about the cutting, since that really was one of the things that kept me from grieving, I buried my feelings in the cuts and I just never really came to terms with her death or grieved for her until now. I cried because I missed her, not really because I was grieving, if that makes any sense. Even though I had stopped cutting for about year before the feelings came back the cutting was almost an automatic response to the memories and grief coming back up. The only thing I worry about is the fact in the confidentiality contract thing I had to sign it talked about how they have permission to tell people if they think I am a "significant risk to myself or others" I don't know what exactly that means. I am not currently cutting, so does that mean that they don't have to tell anyone? Or because I have cut within the last month does that mean they will have to tell someone? I don't know!
OK that is all for now...I am going to go see if my friends are still awake and see if they want to go to breakfast tomorrow with me.
Toodles...
Emmy R.
April 23, 2009
The Way She Feels by Between the Trees and a little about Renee Yohe and TWLOHA
Ok this is one of my favorite songs. The Way She Feels by Between the Trees. I don't know if I have posted this before so sorry if I have.
The original versions of the song cannot be embeded and the audio on here is really messed up and sounds really weird but it is the only way I can embed. Below the video is a link for the original version. (Both versions of the video may be triggering to some. Watch with caution/discretion)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvLP628Jhgo
Lyrics:
Shes upset
Bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer to
Drive her pain away
Nothing good can come of this.
She opens it theres nothing there
Is only left over tears
Mom and dad had no right she screams
As the anger runs down both of her cheeks.
Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Bite the lip just forget the bleeding
Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries [x2]
Curled up shes on the floor
Relief left her she had hoped for something more
From it (hoped for something more)
From it
He leans down to comfort her
She is weeping and He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around and...
The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse
Now shes slowly opening...
New eyes...
Then she opened her eyes
And found relief in His life
And put down her knives
Then she opened her life
And found relief through His eyes
And put down
She put down her knife
The artists wrote this song sort of about Renee Yohe (who I talked about in a previous post) and part of her story. The band supports TWLOHA (twloha.com) (To Write Love On Her Arms) which is one of my FAVORITE organizations.
I just bought Renee's book, which is a compilation of her journal writings from the link below,
http://www.districtlines.com/4788-Purpose-For-The-Pain-Book/Purpose-For-The-Pain
and I can't wait to get it and read it!!! You can read some of Renee's story
Emily
The original versions of the song cannot be embeded and the audio on here is really messed up and sounds really weird but it is the only way I can embed. Below the video is a link for the original version. (Both versions of the video may be triggering to some. Watch with caution/discretion)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvLP628Jhgo
Lyrics:
Shes upset
Bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer to
Drive her pain away
Nothing good can come of this.
She opens it theres nothing there
Is only left over tears
Mom and dad had no right she screams
As the anger runs down both of her cheeks.
Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Bite the lip just forget the bleeding
Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries [x2]
Curled up shes on the floor
Relief left her she had hoped for something more
From it (hoped for something more)
From it
He leans down to comfort her
She is weeping and He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around and...
The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse
Now shes slowly opening...
New eyes...
Then she opened her eyes
And found relief in His life
And put down her knives
Then she opened her life
And found relief through His eyes
And put down
She put down her knife
The artists wrote this song sort of about Renee Yohe (who I talked about in a previous post) and part of her story. The band supports TWLOHA (twloha.com) (To Write Love On Her Arms) which is one of my FAVORITE organizations.
I just bought Renee's book, which is a compilation of her journal writings from the link below,
http://www.districtlines.com/4788-Purpose-For-The-Pain-Book/Purpose-For-The-Pain
and I can't wait to get it and read it!!! You can read some of Renee's story
Emily
April 21, 2009
The Counseling Appointment
Just a quick note about my counseling appointment that I had today before I go to work. I will hopefully write more after I get back from work.
Basically I was freaking nervous before I went. It is hard to open up about personal issues with a complete stranger. I was second guessing myself and if I should even go to the appointment...
Anyways basically I talked about my friend a little and the counselor just listened and asked questions when necessary (sometimes it was really necessary to prod me on, though she didn't ask any questions that made me uncomfortable). I never talked about the cutting, but I have an appointment next week at the same time and hopefully I will be able to bring that up next time. I just wasn't ready to talk about it with her today. I would like to talk about it though. She basically validated for me that it is okay to still be going through the grieving process. That validation was VERY important to me! Quite possibly the most important part of the meeting...
Basically I was crying the whole time, tears welling up in my eyes but not really coming down my face, only two tears actually fell. I think crying is important, but I also have a hard time crying in front of others. All in all the meeting was very therapeutic for me and I was able to get a lot off my chest.
Anyways, I said more than I intended in this post and I might perhaps post some poetry/prose/word vomit later tonight or tomorrow about this but I think I said a lot...
Got to head off to work!
Emmy R.
Basically I was freaking nervous before I went. It is hard to open up about personal issues with a complete stranger. I was second guessing myself and if I should even go to the appointment...
Anyways basically I talked about my friend a little and the counselor just listened and asked questions when necessary (sometimes it was really necessary to prod me on, though she didn't ask any questions that made me uncomfortable). I never talked about the cutting, but I have an appointment next week at the same time and hopefully I will be able to bring that up next time. I just wasn't ready to talk about it with her today. I would like to talk about it though. She basically validated for me that it is okay to still be going through the grieving process. That validation was VERY important to me! Quite possibly the most important part of the meeting...
Basically I was crying the whole time, tears welling up in my eyes but not really coming down my face, only two tears actually fell. I think crying is important, but I also have a hard time crying in front of others. All in all the meeting was very therapeutic for me and I was able to get a lot off my chest.
Anyways, I said more than I intended in this post and I might perhaps post some poetry/prose/word vomit later tonight or tomorrow about this but I think I said a lot...
Got to head off to work!
Emmy R.
April 20, 2009
Word Vomit
Word Vomit...just typing as I feel...
Sometimes I miss her
And sometimes I don't
I feel as though I am
Disgracing
Her memory
When I forget
Even for a moment
Sometimes I go days
Without thinking of her
Then she comes to mind
And I hate myself for forgetting
Usually I want to remember
I want to remember her life
Her amazing personality
The awesome person she was
But when I remember her life
I also remember her death
Her death haunts me
Remembering her death
Makes me remember
The horrible period
Of mourning
That came after
The mourning that I pushed aside
The mourning that I buried
Because I didn't believe
That those feelings were okay
I first began to ignore the feelings
When she got sick
I started to
Get angry
Frustrated
I didn't know how to feel
I didn't think
That these emotions
Were okay
I buried my feelings
But they came out anyways
In cuts on my arms
In cuts on my legs
In cuts on my stomach
In angry words written in journals
In poems I wrote
But mostly in the cutting
I want to remember her
I want to remember all the good
I want to remember
But when I do I remember the loss
The anger
The confusion
The things I didn't understand
Sixteen-year-olds don't die
They just don't
Fifteen-year-olds don't get cancer
They just don't
I didn't know where to turn
No one would understand...
No one
The only way I knew to deal
The cuts on my arms
The cuts on my legs
The cuts on my stomach
That was how I dealt
That was how I expressed my feelings
The feelings I didn't think were ok to have...
Sometimes I go days
Without thinking of her
Then she comes to mind
And I hate myself for forgetting
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)