April 28, 2009

counseling, advising, and current state of mind...

another appointment
we talked about the way
the time since
the last appointment
was different than the week before
was it better?
it was better because
i found myself being
able to
allow my feelings
and instead of feeling sad
i was able to allow myself
to be ok with the memories
to understand that
what i was feeling
was normal
i was validated this past week
and that is what i told her
we discussed some more about
the current friendships i have
and how they are affected by the
we talked about that
she asked me if i was ok
with the way the friendships are going
i told her i sort of am
but mostly i am not
i want to get closer
to the girls i have become friends with
but the thought of getting closer
scares the heck out of me
what if they leave me
what if they die
what if they just don't care
i fear both
she told me
that my feelings are ok
again she made me know
that how i am feeling is
it was important
i never opened myself up to anyone
about this particular matter
in that particular kind of way

she told me she pulled my file
and read what i had to say
from when i came to talk before
and i talked to another person
(i didn't know that was allowed)
and she said that she sees
me wanting to talk
and express myself
about both that previous issue
as well as the current one
previously i came to talk
about my struggle with self-harm
i wanted to tell someone
i wanted to be able to tell people
and that is where she saw the connection
i said previously
that i wanted to tell her about the self-harm
i sort of feel violated
she found out this about me
before i was able to tell her
i wanted to tell her
but why would i tell her something she already knows
and that is all for now...

later i went to an advising appointment (to have someone talk with me about what classes i will take next semester) and currently, if i get into the classes i want to take next semester and the following semester, i am set on a path to graduate in 3.5 years or even in only 3 years. currently as a college freshman i have sophomore status (as of this semester) because i took college classes while i was still in high school. being on the fast track and graduating early means that i have to apply for the program i plan on taking. i am a social work major. but besides applying for the major i also need to apply for the practicum/internship (which most people take during their senior year and apply for during their junior year) at the beginning of my sophomore year...

...it is a lot to think about...

lastly, right now i feel like i have a thousand different emotions running through my body. i REALLY want to cut. but i will not. i will not. but i really really want to cut...but i also don't want to explain to the counselor about the cutting if i am currently doing it. my mind is running in circles around itself, and i can't put a name to the emotions swirling inside me. i am going to go to my room and curl up in a ball.

i will not cut.
i will not.

Emmy R.

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