Word Vomit

Word Vomit...just typing as I feel...

Sometimes I miss her

And sometimes I don't

I feel as though I am

Disgracing

Her memory

When I forget

Even for a moment

Sometimes I go days

Without thinking of her

Then she comes to mind

And I hate myself for forgetting

Usually I want to remember

I want to remember her life

Her amazing personality

The awesome person she was

But when I remember her life

I also remember her death

Her death haunts me

Remembering her death

Makes me remember

The horrible period

Of mourning

That came after

The mourning that I pushed aside

The mourning that I buried

Because I didn't believe

That those feelings were okay

I first began to ignore the feelings

When she got sick

I started to

Get angry

Frustrated

I didn't know how to feel

I didn't think

That these emotions

Were okay

I buried my feelings

But they came out anyways

In cuts on my arms

In cuts on my legs

In cuts on my stomach

In angry words written in journals

In poems I wrote

But mostly in the cutting

I want to remember her

I want to remember all the good

I want to remember

But when I do I remember the loss

The anger

The confusion

The things I didn't understand

Sixteen-year-olds don't die

They just don't

Fifteen-year-olds don't get cancer

They just don't

I didn't know where to turn

No one would understand...

No one

The only way I knew to deal

The cuts on my arms

The cuts on my legs

The cuts on my stomach

That was how I dealt

That was how I expressed my feelings

The feelings I didn't think were ok to have...

Sometimes I go days

Without thinking of her

Then she comes to mind

And I hate myself for forgetting