April 28, 2009

haven't really given much of an update since last week...so here goes...

This past week I have been pretty much just chilling and procrastinating on homework WAY too much. I am super excited to go home soon! classes are over in like 23 days! I have SO much to do before then...

I have been spending some time reflecting on stuff going on in my life. since the counseling appointment I have felt like a burden has been lifted from me and I just feel SO much better knowing that someone else knows about my friend. The lady I talked with told me that perhaps I should tell some of my friends about her, because I guess talking about it is a part of the grieving process. I don't know if I am close enough to anyone to just tell them yet. I do have a picture of her displayed in my room so if anyone ever asks me I would gladly tell them about her, but how on earth do you bring something up like that?

we have the next two days off from classes because we have academic advising. I have another counseling appointment tomorrow at 12:30pm and then academic advising at 1:30pm...hopefully I don't cry too much at counseling tomorrow so I don't have to go to advising with my eyes all red and puffy.

Last week at counseling I mainly talked about Paige, and she asked questions and I answered them about Paige. It was simple really, but it was hard to talk about her. I was bawling. I talked about how I was being bombarded with things that were reminding me of her and stuff as well. What I didn't mention was the cutting. I think I want to talk about the cutting, since that really was one of the things that kept me from grieving, I buried my feelings in the cuts and I just never really came to terms with her death or grieved for her until now. I cried because I missed her, not really because I was grieving, if that makes any sense. Even though I had stopped cutting for about year before the feelings came back the cutting was almost an automatic response to the memories and grief coming back up. The only thing I worry about is the fact in the confidentiality contract thing I had to sign it talked about how they have permission to tell people if they think I am a "significant risk to myself or others" I don't know what exactly that means. I am not currently cutting, so does that mean that they don't have to tell anyone? Or because I have cut within the last month does that mean they will have to tell someone? I don't know!

OK that is all for now...I am going to go see if my friends are still awake and see if they want to go to breakfast tomorrow with me.


Emmy R.

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