I didn't have internet access when I typed this out. So I am posting it now!
10:48pm 12/23/2008
So I finally arrived home yesterday. I had to deal with a flight cancellation because of the weather which left me stuck at school for a day and a half. Then my flight was delayed two hours which caused me to miss my connecting flight. Missing my connecting flight caused me to have to wait till the next morning to get another flight to go home. The hotel was great and gave me eighteen dollars in food vouchers and they also gave me a hotel voucher which let me say at a hotel near the airport for free since I was stuck there overnight. I got to the hotel and it turns out that I was put up in a suite! Amazing!!! There was a living area, a kitchenette, a queen sized bed, and a bathroom area. It was pretty cool! I was upset to be stuck and miss another day of my vacation, or rather spend another day traveling. I was supposed to come home on Friday afternoon but instead I didn’t get in till Sunday afternoon. In all I missed about two days. But alas, I am finally home!
It has been nice being home! I am really enjoying spending time with family and friends! I am going to go to the mall with my sisters and a friend tomorrow morning and then going for coffee with some other friends tomorrow afternoon. That will be a lot of fun I think! I haven’t seen my friends who I am going to coffee with for about four months.
I had a really weird dream last night. In my dream I was being blamed for throwing flowers in front of my church and stomping on them and saying some rude things about the church (I don’t know what they were). I knew distinctly that I had not actually done it. A news van was following me around (from ABC family, except that I don’t know if they even really do news). They were asking me all of these questions about why on earth I was saying these things about my church. I was also being blamed for doing the same thing to another church as well. I was so confused and upset because I knew that I hadn’t done these things and I didn’t understand why people didn’t believe me. One of the people who were speaking out against me was my principal from my high school (a really weird and possibly irrelevant fact). I ran into the building that I was closest to and tried to escape the news people. I was really upset and confused and was crying. I ran into a room, which was the guidance counselor’s office at my elementary/middle school, and tried to talk to the person who was sitting in the chair behind the desk. This person was my RA. I started pouring my heart out to her and asking her over and over again to believe me because I needed someone on my side. She kept on telling me that I must have done something wrong for all of these people to be so angry and upset with me. I got this feeling that she was staffed by my principal and that was why she didn’t believe me. I continued to beg her to believe me.
At this point the dream ends. My mom knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her and my siblings and some other family members. I awoke very frustrated and annoyed.
I wish I knew how to psychoanalyze dreams. Normally my dreams, when I actually dream (which is rare), don’t really bother me. This one, though, has got me feeling really weird. I kind of feel like this is telling me that I can’t trust someone. But who can’t I trust? There are so many dynamics within the dream! There is my home church for instance, my high school principal/my high school, my RA/dorm staff/college/the people I trust in my life, counselors/therapists, I have no clue. Can anyone help me with this?
Change of subject. I am both excited and worried about some things that are going to be happening during my vacation. One thing in particular that I am worried about is that I really want to tell a friend of mine/youth group leader about my history of SI. I believe that I have mentioned before in this blog about how much she has helped me through my SI without even really knowing about it. I love her so much that I think it is going to be a hard thing to talk about. I trust her with all my heart and I really hope that this conversation with her will not be too hard. I also am debating about when I should tell her. I will only be able to see her for two days out of my vacation. The last two days of my break. I don’t know if I want to tell her on the first day we get to see each other, which is a Sunday, or on the next day. Sunday might be hard because it might be weird trying to find time to talk just us two. Then there is Monday, I don’t know if Monday will be right either because I don’t want to tell her and then leave it hanging there. I want to be able to discus it if need be. I also don’t really know how to even begin talking about this with her. I don’t know if I should begin by talking about when I first asked her to hold me accountable for ‘it’ or if I should just tell her and get it out there. I am just pretty confused about the whole thing and am not quite sure what to do. Anyone have any suggestions?
I am really looking for people’s input in this particular post. I don’t know if anyone even reads this besides my one follower but if you do please, please, please post a comment and let me know your thoughts!
Thanks,
Emmy R.
3 comments:
"One thing in particular that I am worried about is that I really want to tell a friend of mine/youth group leader about my history of SI. I believe that I have mentioned before in this blog about how much she has helped me through my SI without even really knowing about it. I love her so much that I think it is going to be a hard thing to talk about."
Sorry, drumnken neurons are failing: Do you mean only that she is unaware of the specifics of what you have done to yourself, or how that she is unaware of how far it goes back? I mean, I understand of course she is aware of your self-harming cos you've discussed it with her.
Well, I'll adopt that understanding for my brief 'advice':
OOOOOH! I just read on: "I don’t know if I should begin by talking about when I first asked her to hold me accountable for ‘it’" So you HAVEN'T told her at all, man I really am drunk.
Ah I can't even read, I just re-read the bit I quoted at the top: "she has helped me through my SI without even really knowing about it." I promise, I do really have functioning brain cells, they're just swamped with alcohol at the moment.
OK, drunjk, that means whilst my memory is dead, my ability to think cleaelry is nil, and my ability o read is in stasis, at LEAST I can be honest.
Hehe, drunken advice from a sad, pissed-at-home-alone-on-New-Year's-Eve, suicidal, unemployed, all-but-bankrupt stranger in London. Shit, if someone else reads this poor girl's blog, give her some decent input, I'd hate for mine to be the only thing shr gets.
Well, I think that when you first meet her it'll be catch-up talk: "OMFG! [Well, your Y.leader wouldn't blaspheme or swear, but you know what I mean.] Good to see you! How's school?! It's so nice to see you again! How have you been?! Have you met any hot guys?!" If you're seeing her for a reasonable length of time then I guess conversation will at some point move into a [22:26] period where more serious words can be exchanged. If you're going to tell her, ... haha! It's hard! Hmm, I reckon tell her the first time you see her, don't "leave it hanging" as you mentioned.
OK, I'll stop suggesting stuff. Hmm, I'll ask you some questions to think about:
+ Why do you want to tell her?
+ What do you want to get out of telling her?
+ What do you want her to get out of you telling her?
Personally, I think she sounds committed enough to you and mature enough (I assume she's in her twenties, thirties, right?) to handle the fact that you self-harmed. Perhaps it'd be nice for her to know that she'd helped you through something so super hard, and in my experience a friendship is deepened the better you know the person. Well, the better you know someone, the darker their secrets you know. Seems an obvious statement really, oh well. Tell her you've not done it for a year now, and that she's played a (big?) part in that, and that you;'d jsut like her to know how she's helped you, and that you're grateful.
If you do tell her, I reckon tell her on the first day. If it doesn't go as I'd expect (i.e. you've got nothing to worry about), there's always the following day to patch shit up, do some fun, light-hearted stuff together. remind her that you're still the Emmy she knew before etc. Not that it'd come to that, but hey.
I think it should be no problem, and I think she will think to herself, "Awwww, poor ickle Emmy! I am so glad that she is OK now! She's so super nice, I am so glad that I could help her!"
Well, you know your friend, but I just think it inconceivable that your telling her is going to terminate the friendship. Seeing as you're fairly seemingly committed to telling her, I reckon look at it more as an opportunity to deepen the friendship on the first day, and go out or whatever and have some fun the second day.
Speaking personally, up to you of course, but I just think go for it. I've told my closest 'acquaintances' even about my bread knife action, and they were OK with it and very understanding. I told them knowing that I could trust them not to tell anyone else, and I wasn't wrong. It's not like you're the suicidal person I tried to help, a lonesome burden who is going to take over your YL's life, is it? You've got your own life and friends and hopes fior the future! You go for it, that's what I think, Emmy.
[22:54, went for another refill]
OK ENOUGH TPYING ALREADY!!!!!!!!
BTW, thanks for not posting the other comment.
ok...so first...thanks for this comment!!! It made me laugh all the way through!
But also...your drunken advice seems to be good advice...and I appreciate it...
"OK, drunjk, that means whilst my memory is dead, my ability to think cleaelry is nil, and my ability o read is in stasis, at LEAST I can be honest."
Honesty is great! Thanks!!! (:
"Hehe, drunken advice from a sad, pissed-at-home-alone-on-New-Year's-Eve, suicidal, unemployed, all-but-bankrupt stranger in London. Shit, if someone else reads this poor girl's blog, give her some decent input, I'd hate for mine to be the only thing shr gets."
again, thanks! I needed to laugh and you helped me do so through all of the random things you said! (Not laughing at you, to be sure, just laughing) And just so you know, though I am pretty sure that yours will be the only advice I will get, I trust your advice...how I trust a complete stranger when I hardly trust so many people in my life, I have no clue...but I guess I trust you because you know so many of my secrets...
ok...now to the point...
you are right and I will try to tell her the first day...I don't know if it will be possible because I have invited her over to eat lunch with my family on that sunday...but my guess is that we will do something different together, just us two, later that night...
As for your questions:
+ Why do you want to tell her?
I want to tell her because I want to be honest with her. Like you said that honesty/level of trust deeply strengthens a relationship...and while we are already close friends, I beleive that it will be good for our friendship...
+ What do you want to get out of telling her?
I hope that our friendship will grow even stronger through this...and like I said before, I want our relationship to be open and honest...(except even as I write that...I don't know if I am ready to be completely honest with her...I mean how on earth can I tell her about my struggle with my faith...uggh...)
+ What do you want her to get out of you telling her?
I want her to be able to actually understand what she has helped me through...I mean this was no small thing and it was really hard and there is no way I could have gotten through this without her and I want her to understand that...
"Personally, I think she sounds committed enough to you and mature enough (I assume she's in her twenties, thirties, right?) to handle the fact that you self-harmed. Perhaps it'd be nice for her to know that she'd helped you through something so super hard, and in my experience a friendship is deepened the better you know the person."
I hope you are right! and btw she is in her late 20's I believe!
Thanks again for your advice! Know that I really appreciate it!!!
Emmy R.
Oh ya...I just want you to know that I think that she will be really understanding because (and this was my motive for sort of telling her in the beginning) she has struggled with bulimia. Which, though eating disorders are not the same as SI...is somewhat comparable...
anyways....just figured I would let you know!
Emmy R.
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