February 11, 2009

Current status... and Re: Comment on Trigger: Release and lastly, a poem: Lament

I don't think that I mentioned this yet in my blog. Actually I don't think anyone knows yet, and I don't plan on telling anyone anytime soon (besides those who read this blog of course).

*WARNING: possibly triggering post*

I started self-harming again. I am not even super sure why I started again, I didn't like have a specific emotion or frustration that made me want to cut to deal with it. I just was feeling sort of weird that whole day and then I just decided (as I was getting ready to hop in the shower) that I didn't want to fight the urges anymore. I got a scissors and just started running them across my wrist, no blood (my stupid college scissors aren't as sharp as the ones I have at home). I was mad that the scissors were not sharp but I gave up after a while because they just weren't sharp enough to get blood, and my roommate was in my room where my razors were so I couldn't get them. Then just the other day I got out one of my razors and had another session. Beautiful!

I don't plan on telling anyone besides those who read this blog though. I just don't even want to fight anymore, the will to stop is just gone...

That brings me to the second half of my post...

The comment on my last post made me think about my self-harm. Megalulz (who posted anonymously because he "Can't be arsed to sign in" :) talked about how he feels when he self-harms. How he doesn't feel pain.

"This was horrible and difficult to watch. I winced as she used the blade on
herself. Seems I just can't bear seeing other people cut themselves, but when I
do it myself seems perfectly normal. I'm surprised I winced, since I don't
associate physical pain with cutting. I am quite certain that the girl in the
video, 'imaginary' as she is, would feel no pain from the blade going through
her arm. I've never felt pain when I'm cutting myself, not ever, even the times
I cut myself the worst and I could literally hear my skin rip open. I find
shallow cuts or scoring are sore afterwards; deeper cuts do not hurt when made,
nor do they hurt afterwards. I find that to be strange."

I wanted to talk about the thoughts going through my head when I self-harm...
I do feel the pain of the object cutting into my skin. The pain, though, is a good pain. Technically bad, but the outer pain helps to express my inner pain, it gives me an outlet for when I need to express things. I can express hatred or anger towards myself, or God, I can express my frustration with events in my life. All the emotions I need to express can be "simply" and "easily" dealt with. But the truth of the matter is that I am not dealing with the emotions instead i am burying them which actually makes things worse...but who cares...

One last quote from Megalulz:
"And I love it when she says, "Maybe through my blood I can be free."

That is my favorite line as well...

Anyways...that is my thoughts on this matter for today...I had more to say about the first part but I forgot what it was...oh well...

Last thing for this post...I wrote a poem early this morning at like 2am or 3am.
Here it is:


Not Understanding
Why things happened
The way that they have
For those I have lost
To death, to drugs
Or to so many other things
Grief left alone
And not expressed
Screams from my body
In sudden bursts of
Causing me to lose sight of myself
Grieving (again)
Because I can’t understand
How I could even lose myself
Seeping through
Towards myself,
For having this feeling I despise
And towards God,
Because I don’t know who else to be angry at
Caused by beliefs once held true
Now questioned
And friendships falling apart
And not being able to understand
How that happened
Without me realizing
Emotions buried
Deep, never to be found
Leaking out
In the blood that I bleed
Silver Razor.
Porcelain Skin.
Crimson Blood.
A beautiful picture

Red lines
Covering the surface’
Of my wrist,
My thigh,
My stomach.

I try to articulate
Through the blood dripping
From lines on my skin
Lines that make it impossible
To truly heal
They cover up and bury
Emotions unexpressed
Causing me to return
To this unfruitful
Venue of communication

So I have finally reached the end of what is a quite long post...(:

Emmy R.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"Then just the other day I got out one of my razors and had another session. Beautiful!"

I don't know why, but I laughed at that: "Beautiful!" Hahaha! I hope you don't mind xD

:( Well, silly giggling aside, I'm very sad to hear that you're back slicing and dicing... I am still cut free for 2009, though one recent post almost certainly suggests otherwise. I was just thinking about it, but I am still cutting free for this year. Your will to resist is completely gone? Not good at all :(

And on your stomach and leg as well? Aww, Emmy, you're still so young, it makes me so sad to read that you are doing these things to yourself =(

Your poems rule.

And it seems I shouldn't generalise my own personal experience of self-harm onto other people's. So you need to feel the physical pain to deal with the pain on the inside? Thanks for giving me your experiences of pain and cutting, talk about reckless assumptions on my part. As I described, my self-harm is only about seeing the pain released via the red stuff; unlike you I probably couldn't cut myself if it hurt me.

Ah well, you live, you learn.