February 9, 2009

Trigger: Release

WARNING: this may trigger. Do not watch the video or read the transcript of it if you are easily triggered.

This is a beautiful video that I feel expresses the feelings and the idea of self-harm very well. I found this yesterday and I have watched it over and over again, it is just amazing. I have probably watched it like 50 times. A very significant waste of the time I should have been doing homework but all the same I love it.


Transcript: (as best as I could get it...)
I am not ok (black screen)
I am not ok (black fades to girl walking into bedroom)
I am not sure if God even knows how not ok I am (walking, don’t see face/head)
I run but my depression follows (sits on bed, looks at journal)
I can’t hide (journaling) [CUT]
But I can’t stand and fight (journaling) (chair crashes against mirror)
Trying to be normal (journaling)
Trying to be normal (you see three faces; sad, medium and happy)
The thoughts (ugh) they possess me (see cuts)
Try to fit in (journaling)
try to be normal (journaling) (touches cracked mirror, image of herself)
Ooh what a cry possesses me
I want to hurt (journaling) (crying voice)
Pain (journaling) (crying voice)
Forward (echo: forward, forward) tea kettle sound
The hurt, it’s who I am now (rips page from journal and crumples them)
(The Pain)
The pain drives me (try to fit in, try to be normal) (scratches arm)
Demands of me (gets up and walks to dresser) (voice gets more and more upset)
Drives me (opens dresser drawer)
Demands of me (picks up razor and hold it in hand) (more upset)
Forward (echo: forward, forward) (closes dresser drawer)
Feed me (more upset)
Drive me (zoom in on face)
Release me (echo: Release me) (looks at camera) (more upset)
Release me (said calmly, she knows what she is going to do…)

(Girl cuts her arm, drips of blood hit the floor, you hear deep, relaxed, breathing in and out, sits on ground)

Maybe through my blood (my blood) I can be free (I can be free) (cuts again) (Breathing, then lays down)
These scars, a reminder (view of side of arm, not very graphic)
That I am not one of his children
That I am not one of his children (said with emphasis)

(it starts raining in the room, music plays)

ink pours out from the journals and down the dresser, blood from her arm all mixing with the rain

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Can't be arsed to sign in. I noticed yesterday that you'd posted this, but didn't watch it.

This was horrible and difficult to watch. I winced as she used the blade on herself. Seems I just can't bear seeing other people cut themselves, but when I do it myself seems perfectly normal. I'm surprised I winced, since I don't associate physical pain with cutting. I am quite certain that the girl in the video, 'imaginary' as she is, would feel no pain from the blade going through her arm. I've never felt pain when I'm cutting myself, not ever, even the times I cut myself the worst and I could literally hear my skin rip open. I find shallow cuts or scoring are sore afterwards; deeper cuts do not hurt when made, nor do they hurt afterwards. I find that to be strange.

I watched this video three times. First and third normally, the second time I turned off the volume and ran some music over the top of it.

I don't like the music, it's creepy. I didn't like it when she scratched her arm before going over to the draw. "Release me."

I like the fact that she used her cutting to give a middle finger to her so-called 'Counsellor'.

And I love it when she says, "Maybe through my blood I can be free." What must her loving Father in heaven feel when he hears those words, Emmy? I hope he chokes to death on them.

The first time I watched it, there was something I didn't like about this girl. She elicited no empathy or sympathy from me. I found her frightening. But there's that shot of her at 3:24, when the camera's panned out and you see her lying there all alone on her bedroom floor, hurt and bleeding, and I felt like crying. I am crying.