February 25, 2009

...

I hate:
That I still feel like cutting is a way out
That I can't cry when I need to
That I have scars covering parts of my body
That I will never be a "normal" college student
That I will always bear the burden of my past
That it seem like no guy will ever be interested in me
That I can't tell the truth even when it is the most important thing
That when my friends say things jokingly about self-harm I don't tell them off and let them know the seriousness of the matter
That I can't even be honest with myself
That even I never know what I am feeling
That I am so behind in my reading for all my classes that it seems like I will never catch up
That my body has scars all over it (how will I ever explain that to my children?)










*sigh* I am in a pretty sad mood right now...just frustrated with life...

I went to a panel discussion held in my dorm basement tonight that was about love and relationships. There were three couples: one married for 11 years, one married for 2 months, and one engaged to be married in july. They all seemed so happy. It raised some feelings for me...

How can a guy ever love someone who hates/hated themselves so much that they drag/ed a razor across their wrist? How can a guy love someone who can't even love themselves?

One of the main things I aspire to do in my life is to get married and raise children. I love kids, they are a passion in my life. Of course according my family and religion it has to be in that order, get married and then have kids...

I want to have at least one child even if I never get married. Weather I use a sperm donation or I adopt that I one of the things I want to do in my life...but I wonder, how can a person who is as screwed up as me ever do a good job raising a child

And again, I wonder, am I unlovable? Why is it that it seems like everyone around me can find someone to be in a relationship with while I just seem to sit around and noone is ever interested in me...





I am really upset right now but I can barely cry...I just thought about something...I am currently on a medication that one of the side effects can be a dry mouth, could that possibly also lead to not being able to produce tears? I hope that that is part of the problem and not just me...




OK I am out...I have WAY too much homework to do to sit on here and blog all night...already it is 12:30am...I am going down to the basement and going to sit in the unfinished part where no one really goes and sit by myself with a blanket and my books and homework...




Emmy R.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

"I am going down to the basement and going to sit in the unfinished part where no one really goes and sit by myself with a blanket and my books and homework..."

Aww, icklest Emmy =(

Now look, I've told you a hundred times what a nice girl you are :D
Some day you will met a guy who will always thank his lucky stars that he met you. Just focus on the things you can control, like your uni work. The guy thing is out of your control, but it'll happen, you're still so ickle.

Emmy R. said...

Thanks...you have no idea how much that means to me...


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and btw the audio blog you posted cannot be viewed...it says it is posted as private and you need to add people to your friends or something in order to watch it...