April 16, 2009

A Conversation With Myself (and perhaps soon with a counselor)

So why did you come in today?

Well, I want to talk
About my friend
Who passed away

Ok, what about her?

Well, she passed away
About a 2 1/2 year ago
And lately
I can't get her off
My mind
Tell me more about her...
Her name was
Paige Xxxxx Xxxxxx
She lived from
March x, xxxx to
November x, xxxx
She was the
Best friend
I ever had

How did she die?

Brain cancer
Took her life
After a 17 month
She was the
Person I have ever met

How did you meet?

Freshman year of high school
I saw someone
Walking around campus
Orange Converse
On her feet
I told myself,
"I have to meet that girl"
I found her
We instantly became friends

Why do you think she has been on your mind lately?

I miss her,
Our friendship
Grew so strong so fast
Ended so abruptly
I never really even got to
Say goodbye
Right after she passed away
I left
On a trip
With my school
To visit colleges
One being this college
I spent so much time
That next
Running from
Place to place
I didn't even have time
To understand
Or to accept
What had happened

How did you deal with her passing?

I didn't really
I probably never have...
During her sickness
I didn't understand
What was going on
I was so confused
And I felt so alone
I was angry at God
For deserting me
For deserting her
For not answering our many
I felt like I lost control
I did something
That (I believed) gave me
In my life

What did you do?

I cut myself
It was nothing really
I just wanted to see the blood
It calmed me
Over something, anything
My own body
I could control by body
I could control the blood inside
I could keep it in
Or let it out
It was my choice

So cutting yourself gave you control?

But it was more than that
It was one thing that was
No one could take it away
Not even God

You mentioned that you were angry at God. Are you still angry?

I am not really angry any more
More like I just
Don't care
Why should I trust a "god"
Who takes away the life
Of someone who is so amazing
Someone who has the
To do such great things?
The Bible
Says that God is a God of
Was that an
Example of His love?
If it was I want
To do with it
Or Him.

I want to go back and talk about the cutting. Do you still cut?

I stopped.
For a long time
I did not cut
I realized
The cutting wasn't helping
It was only making things worse
But lately I started again

Why do you cut yourself now?

Sometimes for control
Sometimes because of
Which I cannot express
Sometimes because I am
Not feeling anything
To keep memories
Of hard times
(Like her death and illness)
At bay

When you stopped before did you have any help?

I had a friend
(Who was also a youth leader)
I told her I was dealing with something
I asked her if she could keep a secret
She told me she could
Except for certain circumstances
One of which was
If I was hurting myself
I shut my mouth, fast
I couldn't have my parents know
She realized my sudden quietness
She asked me,
Could I not tell her
Because of something she had said?
I nodded my head
She looked at me
And she asked me many questions
About what I wouldn't tell
I ended up asking her
If she could help
Keep me accountable
For something going on in my life
Even if she didn't know what it was
She said she could
Her helping keep me
Even if she didn't understand
Exactly what it was about
Was one of the
Best things
That could have happened
To help me through that time
I stopped for a long time
Coming to college
For second semester
For some reason
(I can't really pinpoint it)
I started again

OK that is enough ranting for today...I can't really think of another question to follow that answer...

Emmy R.

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