April 14, 2009

Counseling appointment...

So...I made an appointment at the school's counseling center. Next Tuesday at 12:30pm. I will let you know how it goes.

I am already nervous. I can barely even remember why I wanted to talk in the first place. I don't want to talk about the cutting in the first session already because I don't want to open up too fast. I think I want to talk about my friend Paige and her life and death first and how it is all coming back to me now...and then I want to perhaps later talk about the cutting. Maybe later in that appointment or perhaps at a later one.

ugg...I have no idea what i want to do. I also would LOVE to talk to my RA about it but I am just so scared to see her reaction to the fact that I messed up...how could she not be disgusted...

A little poetry/prose...

She walks up to me
And says,
“I love you”
I don’t think she
Can understand
How much those
Simple words
To me.
I look at her
I tell her
“I love you, too”
She cares,
I can see that in her
If I told her
The truth:
That I am not ok.
That I am hiding behind a mask.
That I started cutting again.
What would her eyes tell me?
What her eyes say
Is more important
Than any words
That come from her mouth.
Would her eyes show
And worse
Would the words from her mouth
Be lies compared to
The emotions in her eyes?
How could I confront that?
How could I bear to see the
In her eyes?
In me.
I am disappointed in myself enough already.

OK I am done...I have a few more poems to post but I am going to post them separately...

Emmy R.

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